[12 Days of Christmas] On the Sixth Day… Santa Claws (2014)

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Director: Glenn Miller

Cast: Ezra James Colbert, Nicola Lambo, John P. Fowler

Screenplay: Anna Rasmussen

86 mins. Rated TV-PG.

 

Santa Claus is seen in a lot of unique ways in film, but this one seems to me like the most terrible. This Santa Claus (John P. Fowler) is allergic to cats and (his words, not mine) The Jews.

Tommy (Ezra James Colbert, The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water) and his mother Julia (Nicola Lambo, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Atlas Shrugged: Who is John Galt?) do not celebrate Christmas. Julia had, as a child, been horribly traumatized by Santa Claus and therefore doesn’t celebrate the holiday. She has, in fact, turned into the Grinch. But the family’s talking kittens Patches, Mittens, and Hairball (truly inspired names) have accidently and horribly injured St. Nick and now must finish his deliveries in time for Christmas Day or Santa will forever lose his magic.

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First of all, what’s the deal with the mother? Is she actually going to tell her child that he cannot have a Christmas tree? Her “traumatic” event isn’t even traumatic. I could understand if your Mogwai turned into a bunch of Gremlins on Christmas Eve and terrorized your town. I probably wouldn’t celebrate the holidays then, but to do so because she got scared of Santa years earlier? C’mon! The acting doesn’t help either.

Then there’s Tommy. Somebody ground this spoiled little shit. Seriously.

Did I touch on anti-Semite Santa? Oh yeah, he’s allergic to The Jews. What part of the Jewish human causes Santa to sneeze. Sounds like a little bit of racism and hate-smashing to me.

Let’s not forget the fact that the cats in this film occasionally have moving mouths when they talk, while other times it comes across as some sort of telepathic link. It comes off as really annoying.

This movie looks stupid, its characters and performances are really terrible, its message is buried beneath less-than-subpar antics in which most of the characters come off as super-creepy.

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Can I just end this? It sucked. Skip this holiday anti-classic!

 

1.5/5

-Kyle A. Goethe

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